Never eat fish unless it's the proper shape!

The elusive white crumbly

I saw a white crumbly today. The first one I've seen for many a year. It was on the unpleasant side of Mirehouse.

White crumblies were very common in the 70's, but are so rare these days that they are worth 15 points from Big Chief Eye-Spy in the Eye-Spy Book of Feaces.

It was a rare treat to see one again.

* I decided not to upload the photo!

Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist

What should I eat?

Friday The 12th

Jason always weeps when this happens

Knives & Stabbing!

I had a strange dream last night. My friend Chris Baker was in WH Smiths buying a magazine. I asked him what he had bought and he showed me the mag which was called 'Knives & Stabbing'. I was surprised that there was a magazine about stabbing, and Chris led me to a section of the racks with more, similar titles - 'Practical Stabbing', 'Amateur Stabber', and others. I woke myself up laughing!

It fell on the floor - should I eat it?

Harmonica hero

Computer expert

Tesco announces plans for a store in every home

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to invest £300 billion in a major expansion plan which will see it build a mini-store attached to every home in Britain within the next five years. The retailing superstar said it would add on one of its new Tesco Extension branded outlets to the rear of every house in the country, even those which contained poor people. Tesco checkout supervisor Mr Tumnus Each unit, which will be the size of a large conservatory, will be erected overnight with the minimum of disruption to people's lives, and will be accessible from the family kitchen through the rear of the existing fridge. Customers will pass through the fridge into their own private Tesco wonderland, stocked with a full range of essential grocery products including hot dog sausages, pork and leek sausages, and cumberland sausages. Sir Terry Leahy, Tesco chief executive, said: "We wanted to bring back some of the magic and wonder of shopping for mums and their children. The new Tesco Extension stores will be the Narnia of the supermarket world." However, it does not look as if Tesco is going to have it all its own way. Rival Sainsbury is already planning a fightback with its own Dr Who themed brand of individual home-based stores. It is planning to attach a small police phone box to the rear of every British home, even those that already have a Tesco Extension. Even though the Sainsbury store will be smaller on the outside than the rival Tesco outlet it will be bigger on the inside, the supermarket claimed, allowing it to stock an even greater variety of sausages. In addition, Sainsbury said its stores will be able to travel through time thus ending forever the need to throw away food which has gone past its use-by date.

Don't talk to strangers

Electricity - read and learn

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightening is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to nearby pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing of relaxing in an electric chair while electric ovens use 'microwaves' (tiny, invisible amounts of hot water) to cook our meals. We use electrocution to help us talk more properly, while in the bedroom electric blankets fold themselves. But things weren't always this easy.

It was of course Sir Issac Walton who invented the electric cable, while waiting for the kettle to boil. He decided to suspend an apple from a wire strung between two opposite poles in a magnetic field near his home. Cable or 'telegraph' poles like these are now an everyday sight in Britain. The invention of electricity, so named after the 'electricity meters' underneath the stairs in which it is kept, meant that previously 'wireless' radios could now be plugged in, giving them pictures. Almost overnight, television had been born. Electricity charges of 240 volts (about £5 per week) are common place today, but electricity had been free up until the time of the Norman Conquest. Norman's brother, William the Conqueror caused an electric storm when he announced that people would have to pay for their electricity. This earned him the nickname 'Electricity Bill', a term which is still in use today.

There are two main types of electricity. The first, which we use everyday to light our rooms, comes in bulbs, a special kind of onion grown in the soil (hence its name 'earth' electricity.) 'Live' electricity, which comes from animals, is far more dangerous, as King Canute discovered when a spider burnt his cakes giving him an 'electric shock'. But it was Dr David Livingstone, with his unusual ability to talk to animals, who first harnessed this form of electricity. His 'Davy' lamp, containing a bright yellow canary, was used to light coal mines, and these 'miner' birds are today a popular household pet.

As recently as 1966 Sir Stanley Matthews was awarded the World Cup for his discovery that the electric atmosphere found inside football stadiums could be used to power enormous 'floodlights' during periods of heavy rainfall. More recently 'Damns' (so named by an architect after he'd forgotten to leave a gap for the water while building a bridge) have been used to prevent flooding.

In Britain today there are millions of 'electric fans', people who prefer electricity to other forms of energy.

For further information send a SAE to your nearest Electrical Dealer or write to the Electricity Consumer's Council, a voluntary organisation set up to help people who have consumed large amounts of electric currants etc.

Twisted Sister now willing to 'take it'

In a stunning reversal of their long-stated reluctance to take it, members of heavy metal band Twisted Sister announced on Monday that, after 24 years of fervent refusal, they are now willing to take it.

"I acknowledge that we promised not to take it anymore, but things change. The world is a different place today, and with that in mind, we would like to go on record as saying that, starting right now, we are prepared to take it," read a statement released by the band's lead singer, Dee Snider.

"To clarify, we would still prefer not to take it, but as of now, taking it is an option that we would be open to. That is all."

Bassist Mark "the Animal" Mendoza also stated that, in regards to what he wants to do with his life, he no longer solely wants to rock, but would instead prefer doing other things as well, such as raising a family and working as a claims adjuster in Rye, NY.

David Coverdale’s rules for a happier life

David Coverdale has listed his top 5 rules for men to follow to achieve a happier life. They are:

1. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

"Who talkin’ abouta sex?"

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma comes first… den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses… they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more. "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig," she retorts indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."